Aha...the Source of My Search

I thought about you today
Wondered what you would say
Not to the little girl you knew
But to the woman I am today

Would I make you proud
Would admiration shine on your face
Or remain longed-for expressions
Illusions fueling my life-long chase

I thought about you today
Memories...some painfully tough
Stirring emotions of not measuring up
Or feelings of never quite being good enough

I am grown now
Come into my own
Yet tears sometimes come
Over validation seldom known

I thought about you today
The reality quite clear
I longed for something you could not give
Sentiments that for you too were never there

My grief turned to sadness
For in that moment I knew
Admiration and pride
Were what you long for too

I thought about you today

This month the realization of one of my life-long dreams came to fruition, I earned my college degree.  The culmination of that accomplishment stirred up many emotions for me:

• Elation
• Gratitude
• Humility
• Pride (the good kind)
• Confidence
• Motivation

But in going through the pictures on my phone I came across this one of me and my dad and a sadness filled my heart.  It was that emotion that inspired the poem and led me to a revelation that my reliance on the validation from others is fueled by the absent acknowledgment and approval I sought from my father.

It is said the first step to recovery is admitting the problem...or something like that...well, this is me admitting it, now I am determined to move past it.